The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective Assholes
Gathered together for the first time ever, our tips on
how you can be a more effective asshole:
1.
Never respect anyone unless
you're sure they could physically beat you up.
This includes your own mother, police officers,
teachers, the president, your boss and the Pope.
2.
Criticize everything, no matter
how mundane or pointless it may be.
Example: "These fries aren't very
fucking crispy!"
3.
Always cut people off, whether you’re
talking, driving, or having sex.
4.
Flick cigarette butts at everything—all
the time. Even if you don't smoke.
5.
Call everyone you meet by the
nickname "Chief."
(Always roll your eyes when you say it.)
Example: "Yeah, right, whatever
you say Chief!" (ROLLS
EYES)
For extra emphasis, roll your eyes,
say "Chief" and flick a cigarette
butt at the same time.
6.
Always precede the word "man"
with either "little," "Mr.,"
or "old."
Examples: "I don’t think you needed that
skateboard Little Man,
and that’s why I backed over it with
my Camaro."
"So, Old
Man, why don’t you get up out
of that wheelchair and MAKE ME!?"
"No, I don’t
have my license and registration, Mr.
Man."
(Notice: This is especially
useful when speaking to someone
you know can not beat you up.)
7.
Noogie every small child you meet
until they cry--including newborn babies.
